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Talk:A Tale of Three Wildloughs/@comment-1031927-20120428010651
Don't worry to much about revision. Get the first draft done, then perfect it. Prologue: Now, I think it would be best if you cut the prologue. If you like it and want it to stay, that's fine. If you are reluctant to cut the original author's work- well, I don't see her here to protest. ;) If you keep the progloue, here are a few more suggestions: The opening is better, but if you're going to show the baby being born, you need more of a build up, I think. It's like, "Oh, A baby is born-" then skip forward several seasons. Second, fix the quotation marks. They are like " this. " when they should be like "this." Another thing- we go from kitchen raid to randomly deciding to drop in on the baby. It;s the first time the baby is mentioned, which is a bit jarring, and kind of an awkward transition. Chapter One: Hmm, actually, rereading, Chapter One is unnecessary too. It doesn't contribute to the plot at all. I would cut that too, but if you want to keep it: The opening is a better description, but it's still essentially a list of traits- now, two paragraphs full. Introduce one or two, then show the rest as the story unfolds. Also, you mention Kiandra in the description. Technically, you haven't introduced her yet. ALso, the "skillfully dealt with vermin line" really bugs me for some reason. Ok, still very little introduction of siblings. You throw names in, leaving us wondering who these people are. We read back a bit to see if we missed anything, shrug, read on a sentence or two, then, "Ah! Her siblings!" kicks in. I think the prologue really messes the rest up, because you expect one kid, then two more pop up out of nowhere. Capitalize Green Isle. Also, what does laziness have to do with not wanting to go to Redwall? Couple grammar errors here and there. If you keep the exchange between Lycian and Tiria, I would move Lycian's dialogue up to the paragraph with the speech tag, cut the "she is a credit" sentence, and the part about Kiandra and Hetfield. Chapter Two: "Rawbone the Bane was a blood red fox. He had a whip, scimitar, and many daggers as weapons. His title? Rawbone the Bane. His horde consisted of ferrets, weasels, rats, ermine, wildcats, water rats, and pine martens. It was a vicious horde; and they had come to the island in longboats, entering from the south. They lay in wait in the northern forests of Green Isle, as afternoon sunlight slanted down from the treetop." Why repeat his title? Don't list the creatures in his horde. Longboats? NOt only can you fit an entire horde on longboats, those wouldn't survive on the open seas. They'd probably still be spotted by the otters. Also, if they landed on the south, how did they get to north forest without being caught with an entire horde? Unless Leatho's going blind. "The fox looked ill-fitting sitting there" Not ill-fitting. Out of place, maybe, not ill-fitting. Otherwise, pretty good chapter. Chapter Three: Get rid of author tags. "The two fencing otters were none other than" None other than sounds like a reveal, not narration. Maybe something more like, "Hetfield, the prince of Green Isle, and his self-appointed fencing instructor, Toobil Galedeep, battered away at each other under the sun." Nice description of Toobil. Black fur for an otter? hmm. OK, A claymore is a huge, heavy weapon. It is very difficult to wield, very heavy and needs two hands just to lift unless you're a badger. Claymores are designed for hacking, slashing, and getting through armour. Rapiers, on the other paw, are fencing blades. Very thin and light, if a rapier and a claymore hit each other, then the rapier would snap in half. To beat a claymore fighter, the rapier has to be agile, quick on their feet, and fast (like the shrews that use them) which isn't what otters are known for, nor is it how the fight is described. Change one of the weapons. "“Well you better watch your mouth, you little palace upstart!” Toobil snarled, temper getting the better of him."" A) Connect them into one paragraph, and B) Palace upstart? I doubt that's something an otter would say, especially Toobil, who is familiar with Hetfield, and reveres the crown. Change the insult, or who says it. Perhaps Hetfield snaps, and Toobil feels torn between loyalty to his friend and the crown in general? (Ideas,not written in stone. I won't be offended if you don't follow this to the letter) "“Kiandra,” He reasoned. “Just… I don’t know, practice with your sling and leave us alone. And Toobil! She's young, cut her some slack. I was the same a few years ago.”" Connect those three into one paragraph. The flippant mention of Rainclaw still irks me. Not much of a war, one clan vs 15 isn't gonna win. I think this chapter is the best starting place, BTW Chapter Four: "gunwales"- no such thing in Redwall. Nice opening. ""How did everything go at the abbey, if you pardon my asking, your Highness? I answer him from over my shoulder. Everything went well, Darell. The visit was very enjoyable." He nods happily." The last sentence of that paragraph is italicized, and it looks strange. "His strokes were in vain as the fox toyed with him, forcing me to watch as my son was half beaten to death. Tears run down my face, and I can bear it no longer." Show the fight better. Hetfield confidently attacking, then realizing with shock he is outmatched. A rapier doesn't "powerfully slash" either- it stabs. Tiria would NOT just watch, she would attack. A loaded sling is a good close range weapon, and she's wearing armour. With both attacking him, they'd probably beat the fox. And where did the other guards go? Toobil and co. NO CRYING FOR TIRIA :( ""Stop! Please, don't kill him!" He looks at me coldly, leering evilly. "You're in no position to order me around." " A) Tiria would not beg, she'd scream a battle cry and attack, B) Separate the dialogue. Also, anyone stabbed up to the hilt of a blade is pretty much a goner. Overall, still has potential, and much improved. This time around, I focused on flaws, though I did list some of what I liked I didn't list everything. But of course this is a first draft, so it still has a ways to go. BUT don't focus too much on revision. Get the first draft knocked out, then perfect it. ;) SM